“If They Wanted To, They Would.” (Why This Line Both Helps — And Hurts)

At some point in dating, almost everyone hears this line.

“If they wanted to, they would.”

It usually shows up when you’re stuck. When you’re rereading messages.When you’re explaining someone’s behaviour to your friends for the third time, hoping they’ll see something you missed.

And honestly? Sometimes this line is exactly what you need.

Because sometimes, the signs really are that clear.

Someone doesn’t call.They don’t follow through.They keep saying they’re busy but somehow always find time for everything else.

In those moments, the line feels grounding. Almost relieving.

Like permission to stop overthinking.

But the problem is — we’ve started using this sentence as a shortcut. A full stop where a conversation should exist.

Because not every situation is that simple.

Sometimes, people do want to — but they don’t know how. Or they want to, but they’re scared of what wanting means. Or they want to, but they’ve never learned how to show up consistently without feeling trapped.

That doesn’t mean you should wait around indefinitely. But it does mean intention and capacity don’t always arrive together.

That nuance matters.

Not all distance is disinterest. And not all effort is meaningful.

The internet loves clean rules because they make emotional decisions easier. They reduce complicated dynamics into yes-or-no answers.

But real relationships don’t work like that.

A more honest question than “Do they want to?” might be:

• Are they making an effort that’s consistent?

• Do their actions change when something is communicated?

• Are they curious about your needs, or defensive about them?

• Are you growing closer — or just staying hopeful?

Because effort doesn’t have to look grand. It just has to look sincere.

And sincerity shows up in patterns, not promises.

What this line often ignores is how much emotional labour people put into “being understanding.”

We tell ourselves:

• they’re just bad at texting

• they’ve had a rough past

• they’re not great at expressing feelings

And sometimes that’s true.

But sometimes, we use empathy to excuse our own discomfort.

Understanding someone shouldn’t require you to abandon yourself.

Here’s the part that’s hard to sit with:

You can acknowledge someone’s limitations and still decide that the dynamic isn’t enough for you.

Both things can be true.

The goal isn’t to villainise the other person. It’s to be honest about what the connection is actually giving you.

“If they wanted to, they would” isn’t wrong. It’s just incomplete.

A better version might be:“If they wanted to — and were capable of showing up — you’d feel it.”

And if you’re constantly explaining, waiting, or doubting, that feeling usually isn’t there.

Not because you didn’t try hard enough. But because love that fits doesn’t require this much interpretation.

Sometimes clarity doesn’t come from analysing someone else’s intentions.

It comes from noticing how much energy it takes to stay.

And listening to that quietly tells you everything you need to know.